Thursday, December 23, 2010

Surrounded by blessings...

Christmas is different without my Mom. It is very hard to not constantly think "Five years ago today, I had no idea it would be the last Christmas with her." And to go over and over in my head what it would be like if she were still here. I try not to do that to myself, but it seems my mind cannot stop doing that to myself. I am trying this year to just accept that as part of what goes on with me for the holidays. I close my eyes and try to remember how simply happy we all were on Christmas 2005 - 5 days before she died. I think about the presents she got the girls and how much fun it was to just be around her. I think about how much she would LOVE to be here with us this Christmas and how stunned she would be at how big and funny my daughters are. I try hard to focus on all the incredible blessing that still surround me every single day and I try to let go of the sheer sadness at what my girls are missing. It is hard though. It is hard to accept that neither one of them will remember their wonderful Nana. It is harder to imagine how many more years I have on earth without the love my Mom. I keep wishing for one more regular Christmas full of love and laughter at her house. The way I kind of always thought it would be. I am so grateful for the blessings that are still here.

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