I hate days like today. The girls and I have been sick all week. There is not time for a mom to be sick. Especially a working mom who is taking classes at night and whose mom is not here. Today was one of those days I needed someone to help me. I started the day throwing up and just wanted to stay in bed. But, the germs are not going to get out of my house by themselves so I got up, and began a wild cleaning festival that resulted in my throwning up in the bucket I just hand moped the kitchen floor with.... gross. But, at least the vomit germs were instantly sanatized and they smelled pine-sol fresh. :( I have missed work and where I work, you have no sick time, and the bills do not change. In fact, with the three dr. visits for the girls, we will spend more this month and I will make way less..... So missed work equals missed money equals more stress. Needless to say, I am in the middle of one long week.
And, I want my Mom. Plain and simple I want her here to tell me this will be OK. To help me re-make all the beds I just pulled apart to clean the sheets. To make me lie down while she dumps out the bucket of pine-sol and puke. I am almost 40 and I was lucky to have my mom most of my life. But, it still sucks that she is gone. That I am here without her for however many years I have left on this earth. That my girls will never remember how much she loved them. That when you lose your mom, there are no places to go to apply for a new one.... spouses get remarried and fill that hole with someone new. Kids just get left behind and no one steps up to take care of them like a mom does. No one knows all your stories and knows what you need when you need it. I know this sounds whiney and it is. I am mad and sad that my mom is gone and that no one will ever love me like she loved me. No matter how much I miss her or how much I loved & appreciated her when she was here will not change the fact that she is dead and gone. I am here to take care of her mom in her place and take care of her grandkids and myself..... and I am not feeling up to the task this week. I just want her to come by to check on me, see that I am in way over my head and tell me to go to sleep and that it will be all right. Because, when she was alive, it always was all right. If not, she sure made it feel that way. And I miss feeling like that. I miss it a lot.