Monday, October 13, 2008

Is it wrong to miss a person so much it simply hurts your heart?

Still, after 2 years, 9 months and 14 days, I miss my Mom that much. I miss her all day every single day, but certain moments it overtakes me and I find it hard to breathe. Like tonight. A simple thing really, running to Stracks (our local grocery store) with the girls after dinner. They were so adorable. They were just having fun being together and snacking on free bakery cookies....  they were doing this hugging game and Kaya knocked Kal over and they fell on the floor. They were laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. And I glanced down the aisle quickly just to see if my Mom happened to be there. Like the old days, when we would just bump into each other there having no idea we were in the exact same place. She would take Kalli from me (she was three when my Mom died, just like Kaya is now) and kidnap her and get Kal her own bag of good-tasting-bad-for-you treats that Moms cannot afford to buy (but Grandparents can). I ached for her to see them loving each other on the dirty floor in the grocery store. To see how cruly Kaya's hair was today and how tall and thin Kalli has gotten. I am so grateful she got to see them be born and kiss and hug them, but what about all of this she is missing now? How am I supposed to feel about that? I know I was incredibly lucky to be born to two amazing people who loved each other as much as my parents did. I know that. I know people suffer way worse fates than the one that we were handed. That is proven fact. Yet, I still find myself unable to hold back the tears walking around the grocery store where I used to get all excited to just bump into my Mom. It is obvious that you should miss a person on the holidays and special family events...  but it is odd to me how much I miss her just doing those day to day things that I think I took for granted. I mean, what did we buy the last time we shopped at Stacks together? Why does it bother me that I cannot remember that? Ugh.

I know I am still one of the single most blessed people on the planet. I know that for some reason unknown to anyone with a medical degree, my dad survived against all odds. I know that I have beautiful, happy, truly funny children who make every moment more than worth living. And I am grateful for all of it. I always have been the kid that appreciated being born into my family and took notes on the little things..... but man, what I  would not give to see Kalli and Kaya hanging off of my Mom's cart at Stracks tonight begging for all those little treats I cannot afford. To see the way she looked at them one more time. And to flash my lights and honk my horn in the parking lot when we went our seperate ways. 

2 comments:

Danelle Johnson said...

I just couldn't let this post go without comment!!!

My answer to this is NO! My heart aches for you that you don't get to be with your mom here on earth any longer, but I truly think you found more LOVE, JOY and AMAZING EXPERIENCES in the time you were together than most people find in a lifetime.

The fact that you miss your Mom so much is a testiment to the depth of your relationship. Your mom sees and knows Kaya and Kal and their wonderful personalities. She is still with you everyday, just not in a way that you can experience back. One day you will be reunited in heaven. What a wonderful reunion that will be.

If every daughter and son in this world had your perspective and appreciation for time together, this world would be a better place...

a big hug, my friend

Danelle

Renee said...

This is the first time I've been to your blog and reading this beautiful testimony of love for your mom brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing such a sweet story that hits so very close to home.